


Donna Kao de, Donna Koe de Tsutawaru kana? (With what face, what voice, can I express what I feel?)

by vogue91



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 16:19:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14359095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I know it’s not easy. I also know it’s hard for you to be with me, and I appreciate your effort.”





	Donna Kao de, Donna Koe de Tsutawaru kana? (With what face, what voice, can I express what I feel?)

Aiba was sitting on the couch.

He didn’t really have something to do.

That night Sho had invited him to dinner, save then mailing him to tell him he was going to be late because of a delay in the shooting for his drama.

The younger then had gone to his apartment, using his keys to get in, and had made him dinner while waiting for his return.

Nothing complex, nothing particularly fancy.

After all, as much as he loved to experiment in the kitchen, he wanted to avoid for something to go wrong; he was aware of his limits when it came to food. He wanted for Sho to relax, to spend a nice evening, without having him stare doubtfully at bizarre dishes.

He had finished cooking, and now he didn’t really know what to do.

He wanted to send Sho an e-mail, asking what time he was going to come back, but he didn’t want to bother him while he was working.

He sighed, biting down on his lip.

It wasn’t rare for him to feel uncomfortable with him; he couldn’t say what the real reason was, he just knew that whenever he wanted to hear from him, when he wanted to call or send him an e-mail, he always stopped thinking whether it was the right thing to do or not.

Normally, he didn’t doubt when he wanted to call someone or had something to say. But when it was about Sho, Aiba always tried not to be excessive or inappropriate.

He had like the feeling he was too clingy, at times. When they had finally gotten together, he had felt happy like never before. He wanted to see him all the time, a lot like it happened when they were just friends, but in the long run he had started to wonder if it actually was the right thing to do.

Because Sho didn’t call as often as he did.

Because Sho always seemed... artificial whenever they talked on the phone or exchanged e-mails.

And, Aiba had to admit, he had this kind of feeling even when they were physically together.

He had started wondering what was wrong in that relationship, bringing him to feel so distant from Sho, more than he had before.

And in the end he had stopped overthinking it, coming to the conclusion that he was the wrong one.

It made him feel uncomfortable, like a weight on his stomach, but he tried not to show it too much, so as not to concern the other man.

The sound of the door opening broke off his train of thought. He raised his eyes, smiling at Sho when he saw him, looking completely exhausted.

“Tadaima.” he said, smiling briefly to the man sitting on the couch.

“Okaeri.” Aiba replied, trying to look as serene as usual.

Sho glimpsed at the set table, then hanged his coat in the entrance and collapsed on the couch next to the younger.

“I’m so sorry I was late.” he said, his voice expressing all his tiredness.

“Don’t worry, Sho-chan. I cooked, I didn’t get bored.” he replied, then blushed. “I’ve made yakisoba, I’ve finished just a few minutes ago. I hope it’s not too cold now. I wanted to call you to ask when you were going to get back, but I didn’t want to bother you at work.” he said.

Sakurai shook his head, as to say it didn’t matter.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure it’s going to be good anyway.” he murmured, but it seemed to Aiba that he was just being polite.

He sighed, mentally scolding himself.

Among all the obligations they had, the time they could spent together wasn’t much, and he had no intention whatsoever to let those kind of thoughts ruing the night.

They got up and sat down at the table.

Aiba stayed still, staring at Sho eating the first bite, chewing distractedly.

“So?” he asked, curious and vaguely anxious.

It was quiet easy to make yakisoba, still he had called his mother a couple of times just to be sure.

But he also knew it wasn’t rare for him to forget something fundamental and rendering the soba potentially inedible.

Sho laughed briefly, his mouth still full.

“Relax, Masaki. It’s delicious.” he reassured him.

Aiba smiled, then finally started eating.

Sho wasn’t lying; it wasn’t much, but at least he had avoided the complete disaster.

They dined in silence; the younger wanted to say something, but he waited for him to talk first, so as to not be the one always initiating every conversation.

He wasn’t so lucky; Sho ate quietly, sipping his beer from time to time.

Once they were done they got back on the couch.

“Want to watch a movie?” Sho suggested after a while, and Aiba nodded and stood up, excited that the other had suggested something to do.

He chose a DVD from the ones piled up next to the TV and went back on the couch, lying down and resting his head on the elder’s legs.

About an hour in, Aiba raised his head; Sho had his eyes closed, and his breath was heavy. He smiled and made as to stand up to go and take a blanket for him, but he had barely set a foot on the ground that he was grabbed by his wrist.

“Stay.” Sho murmured, mumbling a little.

He held Aiba tighter, pulling him toward himself.

The younger man was surprised.

Sho had started caressing his neck, letting his fingers reach under his shirt.

Aiba held his breath; he sat down, getting closer to the other’s body.

He brought his hand to his shirt’s hem, letting it run throughout his chest.

Sho moaned when Aiba’s hand moved unceremoniously over his groin, moving toward the fly, slowly, before stopping abruptly.

The elder looked at him, confused.

Aiba couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t go on, not with the thousands doubts running through his mind, persecuting him.

He loved having sex with Sho. But he needed to have his mind clear, nothing to distract him, nothing averting him from the thought of being so close to him; nothing making him feel distant.

“Masaki... what is it?” the elder asked, looking worried at him.

Aiba stood up,  in front of him.

“Sho-chan, I...” he started, then he bit his lip, hesitating. “Sho, we’ve been together for a while now. I really wish there was nothing... unresolved.” he said, lacking the courage to look him in the eyes.

The elder instead kept staring at him, and Aiba realized that what he was saying made little to no sense.

He gathered up his courage and went on.

“I’ve always wanted to... hear from you. To send you e-mails, to let you know what I’m doing when we’re not together, to know what you’re doing. But I always feel like it’s too much, and in the end I hold back, because I don’t want you to feel suffocated by my presence, in any way. I don’t want that...” he paused, sighing. “That you grow tired of me.” he murmured. “At times I wish you were more expansive with me, even just to show that I’m not the wrong one.” he said, biting down on his lower lip.

Sakurai looked thoughtful now, and vaguely tormented.

He had rested his back against the couch, and was brushing his face.

“Masaki... it’s not easy for me, you know that. You’re not the problem, I am. You’re not wrong, it’s just me who can’t... well, express how I feel.” he said, quietly.

“I know it’s not easy. I also know it’s hard for you to be with me, and I appreciate your effort.” Aiba replied, instinctively.

He didn’t like the look on the other’s face.

He had frowned, opening his mouth like he wanted to say something but couldn’t.

In the end he stood up as well, getting closer to him.

“What does that mean?” he asked, without altering his voice.

Aiba lowered his eyes, staring intently at the floor.

“Because... I’m a man, right? And it’s not easy for you to be in a relationship with another man, I get that. And I also get that because of it, maybe... I love you more than you can love me.” he murmured.

The look on the other’s face suddenly became horrified.

“Aiba Masaki... can you please explain what the hell are you talking about?” he asked, his voice finally sounding indignant. “Do you think I can’t accept the fact that I’m gay? Do you think you are my problem?” he hissed, and Aiba could clearly hear the irritation growing while he talked. “I know what I’m doing. I’m in love with you, I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman or whatever. I feel the need to be close to you as well. I’m interested in _everything_ you do. The fact that I don’t always keep in touch only means that I don’t know how to do this, while you do, and I’m really sorry about it. But it doesn’t mean you love me more than I love you. It only means I love you in a different way.” he said, never tearing his eyes off of him, even though the other’s were still on the floor. “Look at me, Masaki. Please.” he added them, calmer. He took his hand, holding it so tight that it almost hurt.

Aiba slowly raised his eyes, looking guilty.

He understand why Sho had gotten mad. He understood what he had said, what he wanted to convey.

And he felt damn relieved.

He had never truly thought he didn’t love him, he had just come to the conclusion that he wasn’t into it as much as him.

But hearing him talk like that, hearing him say those words... he hadn’t hesitated for a bit, he believed him.

Maybe Sho hadn’t realized that, but it was the first time he had said he loved him in so many words; and it was like his every doubt had been erased by those last few words.

Sho loved him, and that was it.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t want to make you mad, but... you know how I am. You know I’m never sure about what others feel for me, I know I’m overwhelming and that I’m often over the top. I just wanted to talk about it, because it made no sense to be here with you if I couldn’t stop overthinking stuff.” he paused, half-smiling. “Thank you, Sho-chan.” he said then.

Sakurai smiled back, then he got even closer, pressing his forehead against his.

“Don’t worry. I know how you are, and it’s another thing of you I... I love.” he seemed to have lost all his confidence now, which made the younger laugh and lean over to hug him.

“It’s fine, Sho-chan. It’s fine if I know how you feel.” he murmured in his hear, ignoring the fact that the elder was starting to look truly embarrassed.

They kept still for a while, before parting; Sho’s face was red, he avoided eye contact and Aiba knew it was going to be a while before the next time they were going to talk like this again, so honestly, without limitations or shame.

But after all, he decided, it was fine by him.

 

~

 

That night in bed, Aiba couldn’t sleep.

He had rolled over infinite times, but as much as he tired he was still awake.

He looked at Sho, who had been sleeping for not less than an hour, and shyly moved toward him, resting his head against his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his waist.

He heard him groan, but apparently he was still sleeping.

“I love you, Sho-chan.” he whispered, before closing his eyes.

For once, he was glad he didn’t need an answer.


End file.
